I don’t really know what this song is about. Actually, it’s about 10 minutes.
<rimshot>
Also, here’s a joke. Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
<rimshot>
Enough buffoonery. Let’s get down to brass tax. Or is that brass tacks? I’m not sure. See, I’ve had my cough return to me today, even though I’m taking them antibionics. So I’ve had a generous helping of some DXM cough medicine. I’m feeling loopy. I also took 2 Robaxacets because they help me sleep. So please, don’t expect anything I say to make too much sense.
You don’t? Oh, good. That’s good to hear.
This is an epic song. Unfortunately, Led Zeppelin gets WAY overplayed, so I usually skip it when it comes up on the old iPod. But this song is too long for radio stations to go near. Radio station execs shit bricks when a song is over 4:30.
And I think I’m just dancing around the issue and using words to take up space because I don’t want to admit that I don’t really know what this song is about. Wait a sec… that was the first thing I said.
Okay, here’s the Wikipedia article about this song.
Now, here’s something I will make up for no reason other than to spread misinformation.
This song is about an ice cream salesman. His name is Dong Wang. Do you know how hard it is to be an ice cream salesman when your name is Dong Wang? Well, Dong Wang knows.
I’m sorry I had to put your picture on my shitty excuse for a blog Mr. Wang, but this song is about you, so necessity has forced me.
In any case, as Robert plant and a team of trained Russian circus bears wrote the lyrics to portray, Dong Wang is the only ice cream salesman in Antarctica. This might, to the untrained observer, seem like a perfect situation. There are no other ice cream salesmen in Antarctica. Dong has the whole territory to himself.
But there is something you must know about Antarctica. It is a desolate place. There is only sun and sand for miles, as far as the eye can see. As far as the nose can see to, if anyone is so interested.
So, while Dong Wang rides his “Unicycle of Bombastic Radiance” along the sandy shores of Antarctica, all he ever encounters are penguins. Penguins tend not to eat ice cream. No, those god damned penguins are TOO GOOD for ice cream. For them it’s all sherbet and sorbet. Stuck up fucking douchebag penguins. Fuck them all. Seriously, what have they ever done for us?
fig. 1: Unicycle of Bombastic Radiance
Look at them penguins. Sunning themselves on the beaches of sunny Antarctica. Showing off their “bling”, their fancy designer sunglasses, their diamond-encrusted Speedos and their BlueTooth headsets. They’re probably all a bunch of drug dealers. Fucking penguins.
Now, Dong Wang is no dummy. He rides along that hot and sea-sprayed coast every day in his Unicycle of Bombastic Radiance. And he laments the fact that there’s not a lot of room for ice cream and ice cream snack products on his Unicycle of Bombastic Radiance. This is what Robert Plant and the team of trained Russian circus bears mean by the line “Look at Dong Wang riding his tricked-out Unicycle of Bombastic Radiance. Haters be hating.”
That line comes right after the second didgeridoo solo. If you listen, you can hear the rather muffled sound of a unicycle tire squealing in the right stereo channel… just before the tympani solo.
So, on a day when Dong Wang is just about to give up his job as Antarctica’s only ice cream salesman, he sees an interested penguin waddle up to him. Dong is suspicious at first, but he notices that the penguin is clutching money in his wing.
The penguin, who is also wearing a monocle and a top hat, is heard to say “Good day to you sir. I see that you are a purveyor of fine ice cream and ice cream snack products.”
Mr. Wang, trying to conceal his excitement under a veneer of professionalism, replies “Why yes my good Mr. Penguin. I ride these beaches* daily in my Unicycle of Bombastic Radiance in search of hungry ice cream consumers who wish to satiate their desire for fine ice cream and ice cream snack products.”
*This line in the song is often misheard as “I ride these bitches”.
Now, after a brilliantly understated and subtly grand tuba solo, the story continues. The penguin asks for one of everything. This takes approximately 9 minutes of the song’s running time because Led Zeppelin hired an opera singer with a terrible stutter to rap (the first ever recorded instance of rap) the lyrics that Robert Plant wrote with a team of trained Russian circus bears.
Dong Wang can hardly conceal his glee, and as the banjo playing gets faster and more ominous, Dong Wang proudly exclaims “Coming up, Sir!”
Now, tragedy strikes. I told you it was an epic song. When Dong Wang turns his gaze back to the moneyed penguin, the penguin has turned around and is mooning him.
In shock, Dong Wang tries in vain to find the words to express his hurt and disappointment. That’s when the penguin yells “Fuck you Dong Wang!”
After another glorious oboe and kazoo duet, Dong Wang rises in a mighty rage from his Unicycle of Bombastic Radiance. He lifts the Unicycle of Bombastic Radiance high above his head. He fixes the penguin in his vengeful glare and cries “THOSE WHO SHALL NOT LIVE BY THE ICE CREAM…. SHALL DIE BY THE ICE CREAM!!!”
Lightning strikes in the sky all around as Dong furiously hurls his Unicycle of Bombastic Radiance down at the offending penguin.
But there is no time to celebrate. To the strains of an expertly played accordion – special guest Bob Hope – Batman Suparman enters the scene.
Batman Suparman is not to be trifled with. Batman Suparman demands attention when he walks into a room. Batman Suparman will steal your girlfriend and make your lawn die.
Batman Suparman says to Dong Wang “Excuse me sir, can you tell me how to get to the Coachella Carrot Festival? I must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”
And that’s where the lyrical content ends. The song fades out to the unaccompanied thrashing of an empty paint can by a hair brush.
And that, folks, is what “Achilles Last Stand” by Led Zeppelin is about.
Now you know.