I found another gem.
This is something I submitted to the website Urban Dictionary. It was rejected.
Some more explanation… I don’t understand Sports. I literally don’t get why people “do” them, why people watch them, or even what the fuck is going on during them. So, I don’t see Sports as useful in any way to me. That’s the perspective from which the following is written.
American Football is the name given to a mass homoerotic orgy masquerading as a sport. It is only exceeded in man-loving gayness by the similar psuedo-sport of Wrestling. The main objectives of American Football are to:
1) Provide an extended opportunity for exceptionally fit and muscular men to run toward each other and proceed to grope and hug one another.
2) Provide many opportunities for selected football players to watch their spandex-wearing cohorts bend over and symbolically pass a turd-shaped object through their legs.
3) Provide an excuse for the entire football team to get naked together and shower in private.
Most players of American Football like their sex-play rough, as is evidenced by the nature of their activities while dressed up in fetish-wear for the occasion. Padding is used, particularly around the shoulders to give the men an exaggerated look of masculinity that adds to the raw erotic power they display to both their teammates and the opposing team.
Surprisingly, most participants and fans of American Football do not embrace their obvious homosexuality as readily as they embrace other participants/fans. Most will even deny any hint of homoeroticism inherent in the activity, despite its gaiety being greater than that of most civic Gay Pride parades. This paradoxical aspect is thought to enhance one’s enjoyment of the activity, and could perhaps be seen as a type of role-play where gay men pretend to be heterosexual while engaging in or watching one of the most gay activities ever devised.
Examples:
Man 1: “Did you see that American Football tackle!?”
Man 2: “Come here, you!!”
Other Man 1: “I’m going to the American Football game, dressed in a satin jersey because I like the way it rubs against my nipples when I cheer.”
Other Man 2: “I’m going to the American Football game wearing seductive and sexy bodypaint over my exposed torso.”
Other Man 3: “Come here, you guys!!”
Keywords:
Football, Canadian Football, Gay, Homosexual, Denial, Rough Sex